vulnerable, impossible.

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 03:54:00 GMT

I feel like I have been floating through life lately. I don't really sleep anymore -- my back does not seem to like Cristina's couch. I feel like I'm just overworked. I know that I'm not working any more than anyone else but sometimes I wonder how we all manage this. It's gotten especially crazy now that I've been trying to use my spare moments to snatch a quick glimpse of Callie. Our paths don't cross at the hospital unless we make a point of it. It is nice, though, to have someone that understands the craziness of my schedule. I really do like her. It's also really nice to be liked back. It's nice to have someone smile a special smile just for you. It'll be awhile until I let my feelings out of the harness but i think she just might be worth it.

I've been trying to give Cristina some time alone with Burke lately because i know that I was getting on her nerves. I've been trying to make sure i'm working on the days that they both have off. I mean, even Cristina deserves some time alone with her boyfriend-- she needs to cultivate her emotions.

I guess life looks pretty good right now. It's just hard to focus on anything when i'm squinting through a haze of exhaustion. I have to leave now because my bed is beckoning and i need to escape it's clutches.

light at the end of the tunnel

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 03:00:17 GMT

I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's ok to be angry, anger is natural in the process that i'm going through, but no more wallowing. Patients die every day under the same roof where can continue to live without struggle. It's such a waste of life and breath to let myself go into the dark places of my mind. Yes, I was hurt but life will,and must, go on. I didn't deserve what I got, there was no balance, but life will go on. I still can't talk to Meredith but that won't stop me from having a great time with Izzie, taunting Alex, annoying Cristina with Burke (well, to be fair Burke doesn't know he's annoying Cristina), and maybe, just maybe, calling Callie. life must go on. life must go on. I'm like the "engine that could" but if it works it's worth it. Life is looking up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 01:06:24 GMT

sometimes life is so silent. I can't hear anything but my heart. I can't feel anything but the disaster that has eaten me. How could things have gotten so bad? Coming to the hospital all I wanted was to be a great surgeon. Life has too much drama. Because of my lack of coherent thought I'm going to just put some lyrics. Yeah, maybe that's a cliche but even though the lyrics don't work exactly with my situation, they work with my emotions.

share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in,
Because it's cold outside
It's cold outside,
Share with me the secrets that you kept in,
Because it's cold inside, It's cold inside

And your slow shaking fingertips show,
That you're scared like me so,
Lets pretend we're alone,
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
but I don't care
Tell me, Tell me,
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible

And I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on with you
Yout smile makes me see clearer
If you could only see in the mirror what I see

And your slow shaking fingertips show,
That you're scared like me so,
Lets pretend we're alone,
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
but I don't care
Tell me, Tell me,
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible

Slow down girl
You're not going anywhere
Just wait around and see
Maybe I'm much more
You never know what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone
I can be anything
Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be Anyone, Anything
I promise I can be what you need

Tell me, Tell me,
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible

-----please let me get over this soon. I don't want to waste anymore of my life.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 13:17:33 GMT

There might be a new girl in my life!! Dr. Callie Torres. She certainly likes me and that feels really good. I just have to figure out if i'm ready to open up again so soon. Maybe she'll help me with what's going on but there's always the possibility that she'll wrip me apart all over again. I don't need anymore scars on my heart. On another note, I can't believe Meredith trapped me in the elevator. What was she thinking? If i don't want to talk to her, I don't want to talk to her. After a while you just have to give a person some space. Nobody ever give me space. I do miss the house though-- life is very different living in someone elses house. Nothing is yours, you have to be careful about everything. Also, my neck always hurts now from sleeping on the couch. Burke is a lot of fun though. I don't think Cristina likes that we're getting along but it's great for me. I have something happy to come 'home' to at night. I'm feeling so fragile right now that it's really nice to hear. oh and...

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE HOBBIT. that was an interim stage haircut. I was just making a statement. I needed to cut the hair because i grew it out for Meredith. As I was saying, nobody give me space. I'm sick of the hospital and how everyone is constantly talking about everyone else.

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 11:42:25 GMT

i don't know how to deal with all of this stuff anymore. I'm just a bundle of anger right now. Meredith keeps apologizing but i just can't listen. It hurts too much. To have your dreams snuffed out in one horrible moment is pretty awful. How am i supposed to move on? Life is so bitter for me-- I don't really know what i'm going to do. I can't sleep on Burke's couch for much longer- Cristina would kill me. It's just all so confusing.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 20:29:01 GMT

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve all of this. Why do I keep getting hurt? and why oh why do people think I'm gay? I'm NOT gay. Thank god for Burke taking me in. If Cristina had had her say in it I know she would have left me sitting on the windowsill with my huge suitcase. I got to sleep on the couch and I couldn't see Dr. Burke or Cristina but just knowing there was a couple on the othe rside of wall made me lonely. Maybe I should get a dog, not like that turned out well last time. Maybe I will call that girl Callie. She was cute. Then I'll be George and have a hot,hot date again. i don't want to get hurt again. Maybe I'll do what Cristina does and overwork myself in order to not have to face the realities of life. I WILL be a doer.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 03:03:32 GMT

I don't think that many people understand me around here. No matter what I do things always seem to go wrong. I don't really know if things would be any different without me. Everyone has that special someone. i don't. I'm sweet, little George. I'm the one who doesn't get it. I can't deal with this anymore. That's one of the reasons i moved out. i'm through.... just so sick of this. I'm not longer a doormat. Watch me fly.